The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Randomize
