she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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