maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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