so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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