i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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