does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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