I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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