She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize