I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
