"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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