i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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