he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
