smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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