Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
