did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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