I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
