You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize