Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm always down for nudity.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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