I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
