in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
