how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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