they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We talked him into tasing himself.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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