there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
3 2 1 whiskey
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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