She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
