Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
