Can Purell be used as lube?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
