i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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