Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
