Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
