the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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