please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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