If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
