The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
