I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
