Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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