Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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