i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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