I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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