the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
