I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
did i just pee glitter
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
