connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
