Little spoons don't ask big questions
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize