just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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