Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
