I faked an abortion last night.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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