if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize