just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
