I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
