I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
