You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
