Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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