I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
