I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
