I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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