I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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