had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
