I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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