I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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