i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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