So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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